"The priviledge of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Carl Jung
Authenticity can be defined as being real, genuine and acting in accordance with your true self. It means being true to your own personality, values and goals. When you live authentically you trust yourself and your motivations – who you are, how you act, and what you believe in are all perfectly aligned – you’re happy and feel alive. It has a number of other benefits including reduced levels of stress, greater self-confidence and self-esteem, and the ability to trust in the decisions you make which leads others to trust and respect you.
The opposite is true when we live inauthetically. We change the way we think and behave in order to gain acceptance from others and to fit in. We have all experienced this at various stages in our lives – it’s human nature to want to fit in - we tell people what we think they want to hear and act in ways we think they want us to behave, but deep down it doesn’t feel right. Living inauthetically is exhausting and stressful and can lead us to resent ourselves and the choices we've made.
Why is it so hard to be authentic?
The concept of the authentic self features in most psychological theories and approaches, although it’s called by various different names. For example, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs refers to the concept of self-actualisation as being the highest-level human need, and entails being one’s true and best self. Self-actualisation can be achieved when all other lower needs have been met including the need for safety, love and self-esteem. In this respect, you need a sense of connection, belonging and self-esteem to enable you to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and reveal your authentic self.
Usmani, F. (2022). Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Definition, Example, Pros & Cons - Parsadi. [online] parsadi. Available at: https://parsadi.com/maslows-hierarchy-of-needs/.
Our authentic self is always present, but can be difficult to access. Unconsciously we have it hidden away from ourselves and others beneath a range of defences that protect us from the fear of being judged if our true selves were to be exposed.
We all carry emotional wounds as a result of our interactions with others in the past, often during key formative years. Some wounds are deeper and more difficult to heal than others, but we all have them as no human relationship is ever consistently attuned. People may judge us or put us down and ruptures happen, which at best are unintended and at worse malicious and can lead to abuse and neglect. In adulthood we continue to seek the needs that were denied to us in the past – safety, love and attention, and a sense of belonging.
To keep ourselves safe and protect our wounds from being exposed and touched upon, we develop defences to shield us from emotional pain. These may appear in various forms, such as shame and negative beliefs about ourselves which help prevent us from acting on our needs or emotions, or behaviours that keep us emotionally and physically distanced to help ensure others don’t get too close. These defences are adaptive and worked at the time the threat existed and the wound was formed, but can hold us back when the threat is gone. However, we can often over-identify with these wounded and defensive parts and think 'this is me, my authentic self' but it isn't.....
How do you know when you’re being your authentic self?
There are a number of signs that may help you identify when your being your authentic self:
You’re not afraid of being judged by others for expressing your true thoughts, ideas, personality and beliefs.
You act in a way that feels right to you, in accordance with your beliefs, values and goals without bending to pressure to meet someone else’s expectations.
You’re living in the present, not hijacked by emotional triggers from the past or anxious about future events.
You find you're completely absorbed and immersed in an activity (maybe work, hobby, or sport). Time falls away, you’re highly focussed and feel enjoyment, energy and satisfaction.
You’re able to show self-compassion, and be open and accepting of your imperfections without judging yourself.
You’re able to show compassion, empathy and understanding to others without getting emotionally triggered and making assumptions or judgements about them.
You’re clear about your own motivation and goals and feel confident about your choices and decisions.
How can you achieve authenticity?
It takes time and effort to find and develop your authentic self; it’s a lifelong journey of discovery. The following steps can help you make a start. However, if your emotional wounds are deep, and defences well-entrenched, then you might want to consider seeking the help of a professional therapist to get you started on your journey.
1) Be curious
When you get emotionally triggered, hear a judgemental voice in your head, or act in a way that doesn’t feel right, be curious as to what happened just beforehand and how you reacted to it. Was your reaction a result of a past wound that was touched by something someone said or did, or was it a defensive part trying to protect you from being vulnerable and exposed? The more you can understand yourself and increase your self-awareness the more control you can have over your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
2) Self-compassion
Work on being kind and understanding to yourself rather than harshly self-critical when you fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate. Talk to yourself as you would do a close friend - show yourself the same warmth, understanding and kindness you’d naturally show to a friend when you’re struggling or feeling bad about yourself. Accept that suffering, failure and imperfection is a naturally part of the shared human experience.
3) Secure relationship
Seek and build a secure relationship with someone you can be open and honest to about your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. Practice being vulnerable with them, drop your defences, and see how it feels. Tell them your aspirations, dreams and fears and accept their appreciation and validation of you as genuine and real.
4) Mindfulness
Practice living in the moment without thinking or worrying about the past or future. Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present whereby you observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them as good or bad. You can practice mindfulness throughout the day by simply observing and labelling thoughts, feeling, and sensations in the body in an objective manner. If you find your mind wandering to past or future events then be aware of this and bring your attention back to the present. Focusing on your breathing is a good way to bring your mind back to the present. Mindfulness helps lower stress levels, reduces harmful ruminating thoughts, and can help increase resilience enabling you to better cope with set backs in life.
5) Identify your core values, goals and motivation
Living authentically means you live in accordance with the values and beliefs you hold most dear – your personal goals and motivation emerge from these. To help identify your values and beliefs, think about times in your life when you were the happiest, most proud and felt most fulfilled and satisfied. Think about what you were doing at the time, how and why the experience felt so positive, and what other factors contributed to your positive feeling. By understanding the real priorities in your life, you’ll be able to better determine the best direction for you and identify meaningful life goals.
Starting your journey to authenticity
It can be helpful to spend some time each day, or every other day, simply reflecting on the situations that enabled you to be your authentic self, and which didn’t. It can be helpful to keep track of this in a journal – the process of writing down your thoughts can help to slow your mind and provide more time to reflect on your experiences.
For situations in which you didn’t feel authentic, think about why and what you might be able to change next time you are in that situation. For situations that bring out your authentic self, consider how you can spend more time in those situations.
Becoming authentic isn’t easy, it takes time and effort, but the rewards of a more fulfilling and happy life are worth it. Focus on making each day a little more authentic and you should soon start to feel the benefits.
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